- This Is What It’s Like To Date A Girl Who’s A Survivor Of Sexual Assault
- “I was raped. And the worst part is that he will never believe it.”
- Guys who've dated girls who've been raped/abused, read...
- This Is What It’s Like To Date A Girl Who’s A Survivor Of Sexual Assault | Thought Catalog
This has probably been hanging around her neck for quite some time, since before she met you, and the alcohol brought it out. She may genuinely believe that her rape marks her as unwantable, even if you disagree.
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- dating a girl that is too good for you!
Instead of ignoring it, say something like "You mentioned something very personal the other night. If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen anytime. If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too, and I won't bring it up. But it doesn't affect how I think of you. And if her answer is "Your friend Steve reminds me of the guy who raped me," you don't have to do anything about that except listen.
Don't try to solve this problem, because it's not yours to solve; neither "Well, then we'll never see Steve again! She told you she was raped because in her estimation it was time to tell you she was raped. Maybe something happened to trigger that reaction and she wanted you to know why she was acting strangely.
This Is What It’s Like To Date A Girl Who’s A Survivor Of Sexual Assault
She got maudlin about it because it has maybe been an issue in past relationships and she was drunk. Listen to her and take cues from her. The chances are pretty high that she has the occasional trigger but for the most part has normal reactions. In other words, if you decide this won't work out, this really won't have anything to do with that. Survivors of rape don't turn into ashes if they get dumped, unless they're vampires and you do it at dawn.
Exclusivity is the same - it's not really pertinent to what she told you. But if you're not sure about exclusivity then maybe you should bring it up, apart from this discussion.
“I was raped. And the worst part is that he will never believe it.”
The long and the short of it is that you have a level of trust in your head at which you're supposing a person would need to be before you'd tell them you'd been raped, if you were raped. She does too but there's no guarantee your respective levels are the same. It might not be something she's very ashamed of, or keeps secret if she doesn't have to, and good for her if so. Like I said, just listen to her and communicate as much as you can.
Keep taking things slow. Eventually, I think most people want to tell the people that mean a lot to them about their life. And about all of the things that have been important landmarks along the way, that taken collectively have molded them into the person they are today. It is easiest to tell the good stuff.
Harder, perhaps, to divulge the more difficult parts. But by making it part of her story, acknowledging to someone she is casually dating that it did happen, it sounds like she is dealing with it in a healthy way. It sounds like she is still processing what happened to her, as evinced by her wondering if you'd still want to be with her after knowing what happened. But it sounds like she working through it. I agree with scody such that it seems like it's the emotional intimacy that's kind of freaking you out, not necessarily the content of her disclosure although yes, it can be jarring to know that someone you care about has gone through such a traumatic experience.
As a rape survivor myself, I do sometimes worry that a guy is going to treat me as if I'm fragile as a result--fortunately, this has never happened. The intimacy of her disclosure seems like it's forced you to evaluate where you stand with her, and think about if you feel the same degree of closeness to her that she appears to feel with you. It can be weird to us when someone reveals too much too soon; this is explained somewhat by social penetration theory , which looks at personal disclosures in the context of developing a social relationship with someone.
Without getting too clinical, this may have just felt like too much to know too soon. It could be a result of the situation making her uncomfortable, the alcohol, or perhaps the experience has been integral to her sense of self and she feels like it's important for you to know. The only way to find out is to talk to her about it with sensitivity and without judgment.
As others in this thread have mentioned, we've built up this idea that rape isn't something people are open about, but it's not a taboo subject for everyone. You're reading too much into it. This is important information to know about someone you're dating. I was dating someone who revealed this to me on the 3rd or 4th date. I don't see anything weird about that. This doesn't have to be a huge issue between the two of you.
Seems like you're trying to turn it into one.
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Here is what I would like from you, if this were me. Sometime when neither of you are drunk, when you're not in an overstimulated social environment, and when you're just sort of hanging out and being comfortable together, tell her that you've been thinking about the fact that she was raped, that it makes you sad and angry for the trauma she's gone through and proud of the fact that she's survived to tell you, and that it doesn't change the way you see her - it's just one more part of the pretty cool person she is.
If you feel like it, tell her she's welcome to talk to you about it or to let it go, and then, unless she indicates that she wants to talk about it more, Don't let this one fact about her color the entire way you interact with her. You said her behavior began to be different around your friends and seemed inappropriate to you.
I wonder if perhaps she wasn't in a situation in crowd, a group of men, things that were said, whatever that was triggering her--basically making her feel as frightened, panicky, doomed, whatever, as she did when she was raped and that is why she blurted it out as she did. At least consider that something was triggering her when she was behaving so inappropriately and you did not know at all what was going on in her head. Maybe it was just feeling a little drunk and being around a bunch of guys.
I concur, talk to her. This doesn't sound like a ploy to hook you into something. Rape is a lot more common than you probably imagine. I started dating my girlfriend in January of I met her during the first semester of my freshman year and we were absolute best friends. We vented to one another, joked, went out on the weekends together, and talked about our dreams and aspirations. I never knew much about her past dating life. I knew only that she was beautiful, and from what she had told me during the first semester, many guys on our campus took to her beauty.
As we became closer, I, as I typically do, became excited about the prospect of us spending plenty of time together down the line—we were only freshmen, and three more years with her was an unprecedented amount of time for us to grow closer and deepen the connection that we had already begun to create. All was going swimmingly, until one night, she started crying as we lied in bed together:.
I grew up in a family where respecting women was the norm.
Being surrounded by so many successful and confident women made me admire them. My father had taught me from a young age to appreciate and respect women. Whenever I failed to do so, my penalty was harsh. I recall a day when I was nine years old. Innocently, I ordered my mom to make dinner for me, complaining about my hunger. My father was absolutely livid—I was grounded for a month and told that no woman would ever be my subordinate, and that I was never to treat one as such.
He was someone relatively close to me: Give her the number to Max Payne and watch her blossom on the internet. Jokes aside I wouldnt want to be with a girl thats had all those probs, selfish I know but thats some problems id hate to deal with. My ex was raped when she was younger, and she absolutely loved to be dominated in the bedroom.
When I was 17, went out with a 16 year old that was molested by her step-dad, or dad or something.
Guys who've dated girls who've been raped/abused, read...
She was really weird, she'd be all open about the fact that she masturbated. Ive noticed what youre talking about. Once it gets to a point where you get uncomfortable doing it because it feels wrong, then its crossed the line. I kinda enjoyed it.. But then if I act softer, they're not as turned on. God damned lose-lose situation!
Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone else noticed this, or if I was the only person who encountered girls like this The girl i'm with right now was raped as a child by her caregiver babysitter , some older male who's dead now, lucky bastard, if he had still been alive today he'd be dead regardless cuz i would have killed him!!
This Is What It’s Like To Date A Girl Who’s A Survivor Of Sexual Assault | Thought Catalog
Are you guys suggesting i should step it up and take some more physical and forceful action towards her? Like forcefully hold her down and tear her a new hole kind of action? Here is my experience with crazies: I once dated a girl, who seemed pretty cool, and was really into me. After a few months of this, she became completely attatched to me. She could not stand to be away from me for more than 15 minutes.
She would call me relentlessly, even though I had just gotten back from her place. She later told me that she was a rape victim, and had been to rehab for heroin! I was already going to get rid of her, because she was smothering me, cramping my style, and being an all around pain in the ass; but now dumping her became more urgent. So, the next time I talked to her, we got in an arguement, and I told her never to call me again, and hung up the phone. I'm guessing she snapped. I hung up on her again.