- 2 thoughts on “How to Date as a Couple”
- To Unicorns, From an Ex-Unicorn
- The Cost of Poly Dating - The Billfold
However, putting any rules in place to protect it in its original form will end up crippling both the original relationship, and any new ones that are made. When the existing couple makes it clear that they are the primaries, and the new partner can only ever hope to be a secondary, the power balance is off from the very beginning. This is unfortunately a very common attitude, and one that should be avoided at all costs.
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This attitude means that the couple is very set on both of them having a say in how the relationship evolves, and you are only along for the ride. When you start dating a couple, make sure that there are no rules imposed on you without you having any say in the matter. All rules should be open to discussion, even if you agree with them.
2 thoughts on “How to Date as a Couple”
Negotiation and communication are absolutely essential in polyamory, and you should have a voice in your relationship. It is simply impossible to will emotions in and out of existence.
Not only that, but no two people are identical, and it is impossible to have identical relationships with two different people. Because of this, any rule that demands that you love or refrain from loving two people equally is absolutely absurd. Many Unicorn Hunters start out with this rule in the hopes that it will curb jealousy, but in the long run it only helps the jealousy grow.
To Unicorns, From an Ex-Unicorn
Not only that, but as the third person in the relationship, it can be utterly exhausting. If you love one person more than the other, it means that you would have to either hide that growing affection, or fake feeling that affection for both people. Any indication that affection must be displayed or felt equally is a warning sign. Instead, make sure that each relationship with each individual person is free to grow at its own pace.
This is because there are some situations and relationships where this arrangement is explicitly negotiated and agreed to by everyone. That would fall under point 3 — if you want the relationship to go this way, that is fine. If you agree to and enjoy this situation, this point may not apply to you. That part out of the way, here is why it can be a red flag. This is an extremely common rule to impose, in the hopes that it will hide jealousy in the original couple. Hiding and working around jealousy rarely works, and it brings us right back to point 4. However, there are some specifics in this rule that are worth pointing out besides that.
Threesomes can be a lot of fun. Both Diana and Vicki talked about saving money by having Netflix dates at home in lieu of going out to a restaurant or show. Vicki, who owns a house with her spouse, notes that there are also cases where being poly can save her money: Still, as More Than Two puts it, even with limited money to spend, love works in wonderful and unpredictable and counterintuitive ways. The Billfold continues to exist thanks to support from our readers. Help us continue to do our work by making a monthly pledge on Patreon or a one-time-only contribution through PayPal.
The Cost of Poly Dating - The Billfold
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