- On "Swipe Culture" And Dating While Fat
- On 'Swipe Culture' And Dating While Fat
- ‘I’m a person, not a fetish’ – This is what it’s like to be a fat woman dating in 2018
It's insinuated that if you're not perfect, you should get ready to settle for whoever pays attention to you. Street harassment is supposed to be seen as a compliment. You're supposed to be happy if someone leans creepily over you in a bar and tries to chat you up, and if that attention is unwanted, you're looked upon as strange or ungrateful. Conversely, you're expected to grin and bear it when prettier friends grab the attention of someone you're interested in. Feeling jealous or upset is considered stupid, since you would have never had a chance with that person, anyway.
You're expected to simply shrug off when you start talking to someone at a bar and they look at you with thinly-veiled disgust or do their best to move away from you to get to better-looking people. It's as if living with a less-than-perfect face and body means that you're some kind of social pariah.
I've gotten so used to being looked upon with indifference, at best, and disgust, at worst, that hanging out at bars means that I just stick with my friends. If I do get any attention, it's generally unwanted, because the person is giving me a bad or creepy vibe. Generally, this is proven to me later when they won't leave me alone, demand unwanted contact, or want to buy me a drink and expect to go home with me.
I don't generally look for that sort of experience, and I think it's kind of gross that I'm expected to "suck it up" because "that's what people do at bars" and "you're not in any position to pick and choose. And a lot of what I'm talking about, especially women being bought drinks and then expected to go home with the drink-buyer, is universal to all women.
It's not just a fat woman thing, though I feel like there is more of a "take what you get and like it" vibe around it for fat and unattractive women. I do like talking to people and meeting people at bars, and I don't go in thinking that I'm going to be looked upon as the uglier accessory to make my pretty friend look better, someone to overlook and snub -- like I'm a guard dog to "protect" her. By the end of the night, however, that's how I feel. And if I don't pay attention to the people making me feel uncomfortable, I'm looked upon as too picky and ungrateful, when really, I just want to be respected and treated like a human being.
In short, I feel like I can't win when it comes to dating, and I've become a little bitter and jaded about it.
On "Swipe Culture" And Dating While Fat
I'm told to "go on dating websites. When the first date turned sour and I experienced some unwanted touching and kissing which didn't stop when I said "no," I was told that I'm too much of a prude, and I should take what I can get. I wasn't told this by the person I went on the date with -- I was told this by friends whom I thought would listen and provide commiseration.
So my question is, why do I have to settle because I'm fat? Why do I have to accept a less-than-stellar dating experience because of the way I look? I don't feel like I have to lower my standards and expectations because I don't look like that girl over by the bar. I feel like I can meet someone that will respect me and that will connect with me, no matter how I look.
However, I don't feel that society feels like that's an option for me. I'm expected to shut up and take what I can get. It bothers me that fat and ugly people dating is considered funny. Even if you don't find a certain person attractive, why is it hilarious to think that they might want to find love and companionship?
On 'Swipe Culture' And Dating While Fat
Converse to what some people seem to think, fat folks have feelings. They are often struggling with knowing that they're undesirable in the world. Some have self-confidence issues that are proven over and over when they're laughed at for trying to date or told that being whistled at on the street is the best they're going to get.
All of your stories sounded like you were talking about me. I have short term and long term goals where not just any man will do. Why is my body size the determing factor in finding a suitable mate when i have everything else on point? Thanks for this, you made me feel less alone on the struggle. It can be a brutal threshold: When I get to this threshold in my life, first I get really pissed off. Do you have a plan for what you want to do? Thanks, so much, for sharing, of course.
Unfortunately its the truth. Thanks for the honesty. Been there done that and the truth is.. I was fooled to think my BIG husband saw past my weight and loved me for me regardless what the scale says. But I was wrong. While he loves me, our sex life is mostly non-existent.
‘I’m a person, not a fetish’ – This is what it’s like to be a fat woman dating in 2018
When I pressed incessantly , he finally admitted he was avoiding sex because of my weight. And it could have ended my marriage, but we got through that. But the struggle continues…. I ended my marriage for just that reason. My husband, btw, was very tall, but weighed lbs. Your stories truly felt like you were talking about me. Being big and dating is hard especially for me! Im looking for a partner, not just some guy a skinny girl doesnt want. I gave up on the world of sexual relationships about thirty years ago.
It was just too difficult and complicated when one is fat. I do feel it as a loss, but maybe a necessary one as I was able to get through life without driving myself crazy trying to make those relationships work, and I could focus on achieving other goals. But part of my motivation was making sure that the next time me ex saw me, I would look fabalous. The weight creeped back up. I just want to tone because the truth is, tight stomachs do get your more attention from both males and females.
More over, I love the look on a guys face when I show off my awesome body because I work hard for it. I love being in control, not skinny. Even me, as a bisexual woman, prefer to see wastelines on a partner.
This is so far beyond true that its scary. As a big girl myself, I thought it was just me! Reblogged this on Encounters of The Sexes. Reblogged this on tiny revelries and commented: Either way, the decision to lose weight is a personal choice and will probably expand your dating pool, no matter how you look at it. Reblogged this on Nerd Noire Undercover and commented: Excellent post from The Crunk Feminist Collective-honest and open. This is such an honest post! Thank you so much for sharing. I have a couple friends and acquaintances that really have to work on their weight, not just to get a date, but to feel better about themselves.
I wish you nothing but the best in your journey…. THAT would be radical.
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The second step being: I like this article. In the end, the only thing that matters is my self worth and I have enough patience for someone else to notice it and me and want to see if we can be something. Thank you for sharing your honestly…. Though I am queer, i really relate to this article. I have come to realize a very similar feeling, and it broke my heart a little too. Thanks so much sis for sharing this. I got some stuff to do! The fact that so many people have responded to this honest love letter just shows how weight for lack of a better term is always the elephant in the room.
I think losing weight is great. So every year I attempt WW and the gym. Just make sure that you lose the weight for you. Reblogged this on the quirky rican and commented: I think this is an overstatement and rings slightly of wishful thinking. That desire is largely a social construct is undeniable, however to say that it is ONLY a social construct is ridiculous. Some studies have been conducted that show that humans might be more attracted to physical symmetry in others an instinct that derives from an inherent desire to produce the most healthy and fit offspring possible.
This is an example of a way that attraction is subtly dictated by nature. I can share something I learned over the years in many ways, but notably in one particular performance art type class — that people fundamentally, viscerally respond to the energy we put out there. So if you want a lover, you have to be a Lover. Rumi and Hafiz provide great reminders of this btw.