- The Laws that govern Afghan Marriages
- Romance Round The World: From Meet Markets To Covert 911 Calls
- Afghanistan: Marriage Practice Victimizes Young Girls, Society
Sarah W is offline. I agree with what a lot of other pps have said.
The Laws that govern Afghan Marriages
DH is from India, I am caucasian-American. But we are both Catholic, and our religion is very important to our family, and to our own family upbringing. I think that makes a HUGE difference for us.
Our religious views even among Catholics, which can be very different are almost identical. DH has said to me, he would never have married me, an American from the American culture, had I not come from a strong Catholic family. Since I did, I guess it was never an issue. He didn't tell me that until a few years after we were married! I'm sure it's not true for everyone, but in our case religion was more important than culture. Or maybe I should say that our culture is heavily affected by our religion?
Since our religion was the same, cultural differences were more minor. I've never posted on this particular board before, but I saw your question and had to reply DH grew up in Iran and moved here when he was about 21 he's 45 now. As far as cultural differences go Our upbringings were actually pretty similar in the important ways Religion-wise, neither of us is particularly strict about religion, which I think is why it works out ok.
It also helps that we have pretty open-minded families that didn't think our relationship was an issue his mom was just happy that he was finally getting married! I would not have pursued a relationship that my family was against. We share the same careers we're both PAs , which I think is great. It gives us a lot of common ground. I'm not saying that there aren't difficulties with a relationship like ours Some things DH has experienced I cannot relate to at all.
And sometimes DH is so bossy and stubborn that I could just scream. Whether that's part of his culture or part of his personality, whatever. I love him, he loves me, our families are happy, it all works. Originally Posted by samy Okay, I'm writing here as a mostly "traditionalist" type Muslim woman here, American, started practicing Islam as a teenager my own choice, hadn't even met a Muslim before in my life at the time and married to a Syrian immigrant dh met in college.
I have frequently counseled American converts to Islam about marrying men from other countries. I have seen people who have lived here for years and are still yet to become acculturated. What is his immigration status? If he is not a permanent resident or citizen, don't bother. I have a close friend in a very bad situation now because her dh got deported 3 months after they got married.
She was, of course, already pregnant. Don't get me started. What is his socio-economic level? IME, only people who are brilliant academic scholars or doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc. Again, I know this sounds horribly judgmental, but I have seen too much. Yes, there ARE exceptions, don't get me wrong, but IME, the vast majority of those who are here as lower-class laborers or people who perpetually can't finish their degrees for one reason or another, should be avoided. What many people also don't realize is that in Muslim countries, the governments tend to have a pseudo-Soviet style way of channeling the best and brightest people into higher-value careers.
So if a guy is here and he's not in a higher-value career Again, a generalization but a good rule of thumb I tell people all the time is to use their potential DP's academic and work history as a real telltale sign as to their suitablility. Don't accept excuses like "well, something happened and 10 years later I still didn't get my Master's. I know there are exceptions to this, but I am sorry to say that most of the people who come here who are "still believers but not really practicing" are scumbags.
I know this is a big generalization but I have seen and heard too many stories. Maybe they were raised in really conservative settings and they came here to rebel. They don't go to the religious centers because they know they would be shunned there. They have a tendency to get drunk a lot. Again, big generalization I know, but I've seen waaaayyyyy too much of it.
This is another "don't get me started" topic, but it is common in Muslim countries as well as with expats here. In this respect I would be more afraid with Afghanistan than other countries. These people don't know Arabic, so they tend to invent really strange "religious" rules that actually are not part of Islam. I know this sounds depressing, but again, I must stress, as an American married to an immigrant, as a Muslim woman, and as a person who spends my time in circles with many immigrants and crosscultural relationships, I have seen A LOT.
Umm Zaynab, I was glad to see your post. I was thinking many of the same thoughts but tried to keep my post to my own experience and not get too deeply into concerns about a specific country or religion. But those are similar to observations I've made sadly.
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I had a friend recently who I was soooo glad didn't continue with a relationship because he was the kind of man you described who was "religious", and demanded strict behavior from women, but for himself felt free to carouse. And he was encouraging her to go to Dubai with him. I was extremely worried for her and her young daughter.
This happens in any religion and it's certainly something to be very careful of. I have seen it among Christians as well, and dh saw it in folk of every religion in his country.
A lot of times it is related to cultural expectations, sometimes not. Originally Posted by UmmZaynab. It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Wow you have given me plenty to think about! In reply to a few questions: He does seem very family orientated, he has told me he loves his family and misses them dearly, and would love to have his own children someday soon. He is in contact with his family back in Afghanistan, but it is limited to email and letters I believe he said.
Romance Round The World: From Meet Markets To Covert 911 Calls
I don't know if he sends any money to them, I didn't ask if they are poor and need his financial help -probably need to have known him a little longer before I can ask that type of question without seeming rude. He is the less strict of the type of muslim I don't remember whether that is the shiite or sunni one, but being the less strict type is better for my situation not being muslim myself right? He knows I was raised Christian, all my family are strict Christians, but he doesn't think that matters, he wants to meet my family whenever I am ready to introduce him to them Ofcourse I'm worried they will be forever angry with me for dating someone of a different religion, but that is my choice and I really think once they get to know him, his religion won't matter as they should hopefully like his personality as I do.
Im quite pleased he has a religion, since I was raised in a religious family, sure it was 2 completely different religions, but imo it is better for me to find a religious man than an atheist etc. We have both been raised in religions. We haven't talked about me converting to Islam. He hasn't brought it up, maybe I should ask him if he hopes that will happen in the future, because I definately would not want to. I also need to know how he feels about if he plan to have children someday, if he would want them to be raised as Muslims, because again I wouldn't want that.
He has been living over here for 8 years. I don't think If I married him I would be marrying his family as someone said, because he only has a couple of siblings over here that he sees regularly, the rest of his siblings and parents are all in Afghanistan -so we wouldn't be seeing them unless they came over to visit. He has mentioned he doesn't have any intention of going back to Afghanistan.
Afghanistan: Marriage Practice Victimizes Young Girls, Society
I am unaware of his immigration status, I wouldn't know how to bring up that conversation? If he has been here for 8 years, he must be allowed to be here? I don't worry about it being a case of him wanting to find a woman to marry so he can stay here, because if that was true surely he would have been married by now? Educationally, I think he finished high school in Afghanistan just before moving here.
And since being here he has been in college studying the English Language -he hasn't progressed much in several years, but it must be really difficult having to learn another language, and when his friends mostly speak his native language aswell. I think he said he has been doing the same 1 year course, for the last 3 years. So ofcourse his employment opportunities are limited.