- The Top 10 TED Talks to Enhance Your Dating Life
- Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating | TED Talk Subtitles and Transcript | TED
- TED Talk #1: “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship” by Esther Perel
Ever heard of the saying: Tim Ferriss is the author of the Four Hour Workweek and many other great books. In this TED Talk, Tim tells stories about how to smash fear, which is basically the biggest hurdle to accomplishing anything in life. For instance, the fear of rejection keeps so many men single and lonely… while the fear of failure keeps so many men from becoming effective husbands, fathers, and leaders.
And the same question applies to the girls you meet and date. Do THEY know why they do what they do, and want what they want? Tony explains the difference between 1 doing something because you need to, and 2 doing it because you WANT to… and goes deep into the biggest, most powerful motivations driving the happiest, most successful people on earth. We prefer to meet people in the real world see our article on how to pick up girls here.
Confidence is the great equalizer in the dating game. In dating, confidence is a sign that, in the background, you got your life in order, your priorities in place, and your goals in sight. Very few of us have the ability to be totally and brutally honest with ourselves. The other problem is that these websites are asking us questions like, are you a dog person or a cat person? Do you like horror films or romance films?
I'm not looking for a pen pal. I'm looking for a husband. So there's a certain amount of superficiality in that data. So I said fine, I've got a new plan. I'm going to keep using these online dating sites, but I'm going to treat them as databases, and rather than waiting for an algorithm to set me up, I think I'm going to try reverse-engineering this entire system.
So knowing that there was superficial data that was being used to match me up with other people, I decided instead to ask my own questions. What was every single possible thing that I could think of that I was looking for in a mate?
The Top 10 TED Talks to Enhance Your Dating Life
So I started writing and writing and writing, and at the end, I had amassed 72 different data points. I wanted somebody was Jew-ish, so I was looking for somebody who had the same background and thoughts on our culture, but wasn't going to force me to go to shul every Friday and Saturday.
I wanted somebody who worked hard, because work for me is extremely important, but not too hard. For me, the hobbies that I have are really just new work projects that I've launched. I also wanted somebody who not only wanted two children, but was going to have the same attitude toward parenting that I do, so somebody who was going to be totally okay with forcing our child to start taking piano lessons at age three, and also maybe computer science classes if we could wrangle it.
So things like that, but I also wanted somebody who would go to far-flung, exotic places, like Petra, Jordan. I also wanted somebody who would weigh 20 pounds more than me at all times, regardless of what I weighed. So I now have these 72 different data points, which, to be fair, is a lot. So what I did was, I went through and I prioritized that list. I broke it into a top tier and a second tier of points, and I ranked everything starting at and going all the way down to 91, and listing things like I was looking for somebody who was really smart, who would challenge and stimulate me, and balancing that with a second tier and a second set of points.
These things were also important to me but not necessarily deal-breakers. So once I had all this done, I then built a scoring system, because what I wanted to do was to sort of mathematically calculate whether or not I thought the guy that I found online would be a match with me. I figured there would be a minimum of points before I would agree to email somebody or respond to an email message.
For points, I'd agree to go out on a date, and I wouldn't even consider any kind of relationship before somebody had crossed the 1, point threshold. Well, as it turns out, this worked pretty well. So I go back online now. I found Jewishdoc57 who's incredibly good-looking, incredibly well-spoken, he had hiked Mt.
Amy Webb: How I hacked online dating | TED Talk Subtitles and Transcript | TED
Fuji, he had walked along the Great Wall. He likes to travel as long as it doesn't involve a cruise ship. And I thought, I've done it! I've cracked the code. I have just found the Jewish Prince Charming of my family's dreams. There was only one problem: He didn't like me back. And I guess the one variable that I haven't considered is the competition. Who are all of the other women on these dating sites?
She said she was a "Fun girl who is Happy and Outgoing. At this moment I knew, clicking profile after profile that looked like this, that I needed to do some market research. So I created 10 fake male profiles. Now, before I lose all of you —. I didn't carry on crazy Catfish-style relationships with anybody. I really was just scraping their data. But I didn't want everybody's data. I only wanted data on the women who were going to be attracted to the type of man that I really, really wanted to marry.
When I released these men into the wild, I did follow some rules. So I didn't reach out to any woman first. I just waited to see who these profiles were going to attract, and mainly what I was looking at was two different data sets.
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So I was looking at qualitative data, so what was the humor, the tone, the voice, the communication style that these women shared in common? And also quantitative data, so what was the average length of their profile, how much time was spent between messages? What I was trying to get at here was that I figured, in person, I would be just as competitive as a SmileyGirl I wanted to figure out how to maximize my own profile online.
Well, one month later, I had a lot of data, and I was able to do another analysis. And as it turns out, content matters a lot. So smart people tend to write a lot — 3,, 4,, 5, words about themselves, which may all be very, very interesting. The challenge here, though, is that the popular men and women are sticking to 97 words on average that are written very, very well, even though it may not seem like it all the time.
The other hallmark of the people who do this well is that they're using non-specific language. So in my case, "The English Patient" is my most favorite movie ever, but it doesn't work to use that in a profile, because that's a superficial data point, and somebody may disagree and decide they don't want to go out because they didn't like sitting through the three-hour movie.
Also, optimistic language matters a lot. So this is a word cloud highlighting the most popular words that were used by the most popular women, words like "fun" and "girl" and "love. The difference is that it's about being more approachable and helping people understand the best way to reach out to you. And as it turns out, timing is also really, really important. Just because you have access to somebody's mobile phone number or their instant message account and it's 2 o'clock in the morning and you happen to be awake, doesn't mean that that's a good time to communicate with those people.
The popular women on these online sites spend an average of 23 hours in between each communication. And that's what we would normally do in the usual process of courtship. And finally — there were the photos. All of the women who were popular showed some skin. They all looked really great, which turned out to be in sharp contrast to what I had uploaded. Once I had all of this information, I was able to create a super profile, so it was still me, but it was me optimized now for this ecosystem.
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And as it turns out, I did a really good job. I was the most popular person online. And as it turns out, lots and lots of men wanted to date me. So I call my mom, I call my sister, I call my grandmother. I'm telling them about this fabulous news, and they say, "This is wonderful! How soon are you going out? You're still being too damn picky.
TED Talk #1: “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship” by Esther Perel
Well, not too long after that, I found this guy, Thevenin, and he said that he was culturally Jewish, he said that his job was an arctic baby seal hunter, which I thought was very clever. He talked in detail about travel. He made a lot of really interesting cultural references. He looked and talked exactly like what I wanted, and immediately, he scored points.
It was enough for a date. Three weeks later, we met up in person for what turned out to be a hour-long conversation that went from coffee shop to restaurant to another coffee shop to another restaurant, and when he dropped me back off at my house that night I re-scored him —.