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Relationships take more than chemistry
Holbrook - Lake Grove - The Ronkonkomas. Proponents of adoption fairs will argue that the fairs lead to adoptions. They do, but few states actually track the numbers, and where it has been tracked, the numbers are limited. At least one state, Illinois , has done away with them altogether. Adoption fairs also create shaky grounds for building relationships.
The setting promotes matches based on chemistry. Chemistry, however, is not what makes a solid relationship over time and often can hide real defects in the relationship.
Tips for Getting Kids to Do More Choice Reading: Book Speed Dating
They need sustainable, realistic bases for building relationships. Yet the adoption fair setting forces children to understand dating concepts with which even adults struggle. Likewise adoption fairs can give prospective parents the wrong idea about what they are getting into.
There are a number of wonderful people, who have an abundance of love to give. But as is the case in any relationship, love is not enough , and many of these same people are wholly unprepared for the realities of the match they will be making at adoption fairs. My adoption was not a rousing success, and I know that others are, but I still believe adoption fairs are damaging.
For me it resulted in a dread of self-promotion of any kind as well as a belief for a long time that I would only be valued or loved by others if I did everything to make myself more marketable, e. While some might argue the adoption fair therefore had a positive effect and declare my life since foster care a triumph, I know better. That one day at the Los Angeles Arboretum has never left me, and the whole concept — being marketed in such a way — created havoc in, of all things, my love life.
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I thought that day at the fair that I was choosing love. But what I was really forced to choose was a relationship, and I was too young to even understand what to demand for myself in one.
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While it varies from state to state and agency to agency, to be eligible to adopt usually only requires a background check, a home study where a social worker checks references and interviews prospective parents , and, in some states, a pre-adoption course. While the process can often take time , there is not much to it. There is even financial assistance for those looking to adopt. Further, given the large load that underfunded social workers must contend with, children are not monitored very closely after placement and often not at all after the adoption is finalized.
While there are organizations that provide post-adoption support, attendance is not required, and ongoing education, unlike that for an accountant or lawyer, is not mandatory. Relationships, of all kinds, are fraught with problems. And that fact itself is the problem: Love takes time, and in the case of foster children, it takes superior communication, clear boundaries, and a lot of empathy for the child.
It takes a professional. That is why, in the high art of finding love, in the case of foster children, I propose arranged marriages. These parents would be required to have a minimum of a college degree, extensive training in child development concepts, and receive ongoing education on the many emotional and physical issues with which foster children , through no fault of their own, have to contend.
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These professional parents would be matched with children based on their needs only and the matching would be done by the agency — not based on chemistry. Admittedly, there is already a shortage of parents wanting to adopt and requiring additional vetting would possibly deter some. But that is the point. I am not saying that children are better off in group homes or foster care but that the realities of adoption are minimized by adoption fairs.
And the result is unfair to both parties. Four great graphic novels for family entertainment. Speed dating is not for children. Adoption fairs send both children and potential parents alike the wrong message and are particularly harmful to foster children who are already struggling with the message that they are not valuable. Foster children deserve to be matched with parents who are trained to love another human being under the most difficult of circumstances — loving them because they are human.
Alicia Morga is an entrepreneur and creator of the iPhone app, gottaFeeling. She is an expert blogger on leadership for FastCompany. She has also been profiled in Inc.
Tips for Getting Kids to Do More Choice Reading: Book Speed Dating
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