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  1. See How Black Women Are Dealing With Being Rejected By Black Men
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  4. Why I Stopped Dating Black American Men | MadameNoire

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And as we reviewed my list, one thing became clear, and that was that I had no business dating Black American men. Initially, I felt bad. Almost like I was turning my back on them if I agreed with these findings. Surely, I could mold a potential mate into the guy I wanted, right?

If I wanted to make it work despite what the evidence stated, I could. The first thing I indicated on my list was that I wanted to marry a man who wanted to be married.

See How Black Women Are Dealing With Being Rejected By Black Men

Various factors played into this phenomenon which has yet to be identified in any other ethnic group. Whatever we attribute this to, many Black millennial men do not consider marriage to be a personal milestone. If we applied the same philosophy to any of the other milestones acknowledged in our society, it would sound pretty absurd. We research program offerings, campus life, tuition costs, etc.

In contrast, other non-American Black communities view marriage as a part of maturing and coming of age. Marriage is celebrated and seen as one of the most important cultural traditions, not just for little girls, but for little boys as well.

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Those boys grow up to desire marriage for themselves, without guilt from potential mates and without coaxing from external influences. My belief that I could convince adult men that marriage was suddenly of value was severely misguided and up until the point that I acknowledged that, I had actually convinced myself that my efforts were noble.


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I was dating men for their potential, not the realities of who they were and that was on me. The second item on my list was that I wanted the option to stay home once children were brought into the equation.

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This, for me, has never been negotiable but one thing I had to accept was that for this to ever be a viable option, a certain level of income had to be maintained in the household. A level that Black American men have been all but physically barred from reaching. Generally speaking, Black American men do not have the financial means necessary to support a household based on their income alone and to require that of a man whose ability to do so is limited by no fault of his own is inconsiderate and dispassionate.

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I,too, was guilty of this. As we moved along to my third must-have, spiritual openness, the role I played in my dating failures was becoming painfully clear.


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  • Christianity is a huge part of Black American culture with 8 in 10 identifying with the religion. The discussion surrounding how that came to be is a conversation for another day but what we do know is, on average, Black American men identify as Christian more than their peers, attend church regularly at a rate that exceeds their peers, and say that religious commonality is one of the deciding factors in choosing a mate, which has always left women like me, who do not follow Christianity, in an awkward position.

    I was dealing not only with ignorance on the part of my spiritual beliefs, but I was also dealing with the unconscious bias that many have towards practices that derive from African culture. I continuously found myself having to defend my beliefs and humanize them at the same time.

    Viewers have long complained that they are fed up with the conveyor belt of white women on the show.

    Why I Stopped Dating Black American Men | MadameNoire

    Yet her casting has only thrown into focus the struggles black women face when dating. Unlike other shows, where diversity woes can simply be redressed by recasting, Love Island is complicated. The show has been praised for its unfiltered portrayal of the dark side of dating — from ghosting and gaslighting to toxic masculinity and relationships.

    But there is another reality the show has brought to the fore.

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    When Wes, like most of the black or mixed-raced male contestants before him, professed to liking blondes and brunettes, viewers hardly flinched. And that is because it is simply ex-pec-ted: Mixed-raced women, however, have rarely fared well on the show: