The more stigma and shame there is, the more people will be afraid to get testing, and afraid to disclose. They can act on that fear, or they can research and see if their feelings change with more knowledge. And yeah, asking you in particular about it is callous and insensitive. We all bring our full personhoods to our relationships, and that includes emotions like fear. Forcing themselves into situations just to avoid feeling like bad people is actually likely to make the fear worse and foster resentment.
But they might also decline, go on their way, and catch it from a toddler who picks their sore and rubs their hands on everything.
Or from sharing a toothbrush with a platonic friend. Or from platonic kissing at a family gathering. So it is pretty silly to pass on a promising relationship. But people have the right to be silly. People have the right to be afraid for stupid reasons, or say no for any reason or no reason at all. Just as I hope others will be realistic about human biology, I try to be realistic about human psychology.
Fear of infection, like herpes itself, is common and something humanity is probably stuck with. Yes… it is pretty natural to be wary and grossed out if you see someone with a drippy cold digging in the communal silverware tray or someone with a cold sore offering you a sip out of their cup. Every virus ran through my family with so many of us. My parents, aunts, siblings had cold sores. And so it went. Chicken pox made the rounds. As you pointed out, genital herpes is not so different from a lot of these other conditions. Ella is right, it is a type of discrimination. I totally understand the fear, if not for the condition itself, but for the misinformation, judgements, and misperceptions that surround it.
The infected person was never being considered as a person to begin with: Or are you glad you have it? People should make informed decisions. I agree with jcalavarez on this. The notion of it being just a skin condition seems to be peddled moslyt by people who, as you ella have stated, had only one bad initial outbreak followed by mild, near nonexistent outbreaks since.
Even after their initial outbreak, their outbreaks afterward continued to be anything but mild. The 2 people I speak of both take their antivirals and adhere strictly to their doctors regimens. Yet their outbreaks are still erratic and painful. So herpes is not just a skin condition, its a true ailment one must live with that is painful and even sometimes debilitating.
You say they are shaming you and insulting you by coming to you with their questions. You saying such a thing is a complete and unjustified over generalization. You have, through your fight to end herpes stigma, and your many articles about it, interviews on it, the popularity of your erotic novels, and even your current job at Ted talks, owe a lot to your activism for herpes. You have quite literally built your entire online persona around it, originally, with your feminist activism coming in second in terms of what has gotten you noticed by the internet and the general public.
Basically your herpes infection and your speaking out about it got you your seat at the public table, for lack of a better metaphor. So you have put yourself and your status out there and as such you owe it to those who have supported you from the beginning, those who still do, and those that see you as the expert you have made yourself to be, to help those people who come to you with such questions. If you cannot do that, or have let the harassment you have endured stop you from doing that, or negatively color your view, then why did you start the movement in the first place?
Also your disregard of people who have genuine, and legitimate fear for their sexual health in not wanting to contract an STI, is disheartening. Your stating that anyone who is legitimately afraid of contracting an incurable and potentially painful STI is somehow cowardly, is much the same kind of hateful statement some of your more ignorant haters have said to you, because it rings with the same sound of ignorance and judgment.
Why Should I Date Someone With Herpes?
You also have this incredible luxury of your outbreaks being few and far between and mild at their worst, as you have explained. What about all of the people who do not share your good fortune? The herpes viruses, both 1 and 2 are not a one size fits all kind of STI. I think at this point in your career, you have become so disconnected from the fact that it was originally your compassion for those with herpes, and the stigma they suffer from it and the pain the STI causes them that got you noticed. Your speaking out about it, your interviews on the subject, and your articles that you have written about it, got you where you are today and have made for you a social media as well a cultural presence.
It has opened doors for you in the journalism and even political worlds, that otherwise would not have been opened so easily for you if they would have opened for you at all. It has also gained you a much larger following than your feminist activism alone would have gotten you. As a result, you, now that you have achieved a modicum of success, seem very much disassociated from the feelings of those who helped propel you to the status you now enjoy and the rewards that came with it as I have already listed.
When you began your journey, you had so much compassion, not just for those who struggled with herpes, but for those afraid of contracting it. This article you have written is proof of that, and it makes one wonder, where did the compassionate, understanding Ella go, and now that she has achieved success does she even care at all anymore about the fear that still exists about herpes both from those who have it and those afraid to contract it?
Very sad indeed to watch you become the very type of person you have spent so much time fighting against.
In a very real way, you STI has made you successful while your infection by the hate of others has robbed you of the compassion you once had. You talk a lot of talk, and are shaming this woman. We would never want to pass it on to someone else. But we get looked at like we have a life threatening disease. Do you think someone with AIDS wants to give it to someone else? I consider myself very lucky.
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Something that most of us have never asked for. Not all of us are lucky enough to be as clean or as pure as you.. And it is bud. Because people think of it as a life threatening disease.
How about you do yourself a favor and try and help out your friend who is really having some seriously bad outbreaks by taking him or her out and try and get them to meet someone as sweet and as charming as yourself. Then take a look and see how people stigmatize him or her. Then feel their pain as if you were them..
You have given me a ray of hope.
Hi Ella, thank you so much for sharing this post. It has given me a better perspective on having transmitted this STI. Just thank you for sharing your struggle. You made me feel so much better. And then I feel absolutely sick and horrible that I have it. Again, thank you for sharing, thank you for this. Thank you for posting this article. She only saw the negatives and downfalls. It made me feel like a worthless piece of shit and it Fucking ruined my day. Anyways, say it how you mean it. Recently diagnosed and going through every emotion.
This left me speechless and also so empowered. Now, oh how the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction.
Get the facts about Herpes in relationships
I cried reading it. I felt like a part of me died with this diagnosis. I have to pretend to not be in constant excruciating pain. I have come to find out that on the contrary I have never felt more loved in my entire life. Pointless rant aside thank you for your words, you make me feel normal.
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- Why Should I Date Someone With Herpes? – Ella Dawson.
For example, what if sexual pleasure and intimacy is explored at a level of comfort for both partners as the two people get to know each other emotionally and romantically and take the measure of their compatibility? For example, oral sex for both partners works for both partners in the early stages of a relationship, and this becomes one of the components of trust that will lead to intercourse.
Or the seronegative partner wants to engage in intercourse less often at first until they come to trust their partner more fully in all areas of their relationship and increase the level of intimacy. There are many trust and intimacy issues that evolve: Now all of a sudden he says I gave him HSV What am I supposed to do? I thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We talked about a future, maybe even marriage, maybe kids but we would see because he already had two.
He just wants to be friends. Yet he told me how he still thinks about having sex with me. Since then we have had sex, but we wore a condom this time, and he told me he does not think he has anything but he is going to get retested. None of this just makes any sense to me. He says there is nothing to say because I am the only one he has had sex with. He had sex with a girl from my school back in October or November he said he was tested at the end of November and he was fine. We started dealing with each other in December. It is now April. I do not know what to do.
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