- Why Your Therapist Can’t Be Your Friend
- Why Your Therapist Can't Be Your Friend
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Let's say, for instance, you break off the patient-therapist relationship, and now you are simply two people, who work in the same field no less Even though I am a therapist, I also see a therapist myself. I don't tell my therapist anything I wouldn't tell my own close friends to be honest, but I have one because it's an impartial third party that I can just vent to every week who has to listen. I was seeing the same therapist for quite some time, but he left the center I was going to and moved to another state.
He referred me to another male therapist at the same location, so I figured I would give the new guy a shot. To be honest, I had seen this guy walking around the office before and thought he was incredibly attractive. Anyway, so, coincidentally, the therapist my old therapist refers me to happens to be this hot guy I've seen walking around the office.
Why Your Therapist Can’t Be Your Friend
I was hesitant, because I've never had a therapist I was attracted to before, but I rationalized that I myself have had patients hit on me and express attraction to me and I was still able to provide them with effective counseling, so I figured I'd give it a try. It has now been something like 3 months, maybe a tad less, that I have been seeing this new guy for therapy. To be honest, as I said, there is nothing I say to him that I wouldnt say to my own friends, as I am a very open person overall. If I have intense secrets I don't tell my friends, I don't tell my therapist either, so there isn't any crazy dark secret he knows that most of my friends don't know.
My dilemma has become that, rather than ignoring the attraction I've had from the moment I laid eyes on him, it's beginning to become more noticeable. I still speak to him freely and openly and calmly, but honestly, I find myself fantasizing about him quite often lately, and I could be wrong, but I swear the last session or two he's subtley flirted with me. Nothing huge, mind you, as he's not an idiot and wouldn't be so brash as to say some obvious flirtation neither would I to someone I was a therapist to!
I lament that I don't seem to have any interest in them, but that they all seem to be vastly interested in me, to which my therapist states , "I can't imagine why not, your gorgeous, intelligent, funny, [pause] and have the most intriguing eyes". He then stops as if he's unsure he's said something inapporpriate and we just keep talking. He has a habit of staring at me and smiling in a manner that's different than the mannerisms in which I see him interact with other patients.
I know it's possible for me to see what I want to see, but really, I don't know how to convince anyone here that I'm not one of those people who does that. I pride myself on being incredibly perceptive, which is a trait that has made me very good at my job, and I do believe that he finds my personality to be intriguing and I'm fairly certain he is physically attracted to me.
So, Im not sure what to do now. Do I end the therapy, and find a new one? Do I tell him the honest reason why I feel we might need to end our professional relationship, or do I make up some bogus excuse? And, lastly, should the opportunity even arise that we should become aquainted on a social level provided our therapeutic relationship is OVER, of course , should I even consider it? These and other questions And no, please do not give me the typical "well, if you are asking, you must know it is wrong" responses, because those are just silly.
People question many things in life, that doesn't make them all wrong. I'm sure I've left out something, but we shall come back to that if anything comes up in responses of people! Thank you very much for reading this lengthy posting, and I appreciate seeing other people's viewpoints on this matter. Oh, and if anyone needs to know or it matters, him and I are approximately the same age early 30's , I am a doctorate level psychologist, he is an MSW level therapist, not that it matters, but that's the most personal information I can give on here and still be totally anonymous ;-.
Why Your Therapist Can't Be Your Friend
Share Share this post on Digg Del. I think that you should end the therapy no matter what. It clearly is no longer serving the purpose it is intended to serve. And if you know the rules about dating patients, why all the rationalization about why they don't apply to you? The theoretical relationship would always be affected by the power differential. Find a new therapist, and find other men to date. Or if you aren't comfortable with that, discuss your feelings towards him. Didn't they address how to handle things like this ie what to do if a patient is attracted to you in your training?
Likewise, I'm sure he is trained to handle that conversation coming from you. Its wonderful that he can get to know you like this. If you stopped seeing him and saw someone else in an attempt to date him, do you think you would still feel attracted to him without the circumstance you're in now? There's something appealing about this "taboo" and also its great that you're not dating, trying to impress on another, or doing some mating dance.
I'd just keep seeing him. When things become more heated I'd ask him if he'd like to get together outside of therapy sometime. Or maybe ask him about himself?
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I don't know but it really sounds like he's attracted to you. You should always follow your intuition about sex because its usually dead on. Especially those comments he's made. You should just wait and see if things progress and if they start to feel like something REAL then you should find a new therapist and tell him its because you want to see him. You should definitely end the therapy sessions with this man as soon as you possibly can, and if he asks why, tell him it's because you're attracted to him.
Then see what happens But don't try to rationalize continuing to see him; going down that road will only lead to unnecessary complication. That's why they have "supposed rules" about therapist-patient dating. Then I think once you've had a good amount of time away from him, you can re-address your possible feelings for him. But don't forget - even if YOU decide you're okay with dating your former therapist doesn't mean that HE will be. I understand why the rules are there.
I've been involved on both sides of the equation I'm not a schooled anything-having-to-do-with-that-stuff, but have worked in a counselor capacity. IMO, as long as you're both cautious, aware of the boundaries and restrictions involved, it's all consensual, I don't see the big deal. You being a therapist yourself, I would imagine you understand a little better than most how easy it would be to manipulate patients, but I don't think that's the "issue" in your case.
Although I could be wrong, I suppose. Some people are really good at denial. It's a professional relationship but the dilemma ingrained is one of a romantic nature. Right, so, sarcastic responses aside which I'll dutifully ignore forgive me if no one has been sarcastic, it doesn't come across well in typed forums , I know this seems like a silly question coming from someone who should "know better", trust me, but I suppose all those rules you follow on a general basis when it's to do with other people suddenly become questionable when you are trying to apply them to yourself in this situation, does that make sense?
That isn't the case with me, as the "patient". If me and him were to not be patient-therapist anymore, I don't feel there is some imbalance or vulnerability on my end at all.
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As I said, I don't go there out of helplessness or depression, it's more venting on daily life in a way. And again, he doesn't know anything that the majority of my close friends don't know.
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There are no deep dark secrets of abused childhoods, past intense traumas, illegal activities, etc. You are paying for his or her time and expertise. There is no need to provide any other compensation. By maintaining professionalism, the therapist keeps your relationship clear. There is much less danger that you will misunderstand concern for your safety for personal, even romantic, interest.
It lets you explore your feelings, even possible romantic or sexual feelings, without fear that the therapist will cross the line. Sometimes this is crucial to healing, especially if your issues include dealing with past abuse. Yes, sometimes therapists bend their own rules. Or he might go outside with an agoraphobic client as part of a desensitization process.
Another therapist might make an exception when someone is in a hospital or homebound due to injury. The meaning of the crossing needs to be carefully discussed in session. It confuses the relationship and makes it difficult for the client to trust or to do this or her therapeutic work.
Crossing is sometimes advisable. Frequently they attribute more meaning to a relationship than the other person intends. They mistake friendliness for friendship.
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The therapeutic relationship can provide practice in sharing a goal without extending the relationship to sharing a life. You are there for and paying for reaching your personal goals, not to make a new friend. For therapy to be effective, the focus needs to be on you.
Friendship requires give and take. Yes, your therapist should be kind, compassionate and understanding. But she should not be using your hour to deal with her own feelings, issues, successes and failures. Your therapy session should only be used to help relieve your symptoms and to help you learn how to manage your life in new ways that are more effective.
The only material a therapist has to work with is what you present. If you keep information from your therapist, you limit the amount of help you can get. If you feel like you want more from the relationship, do your best to talk it out, not act it out. Positive, even romantic, feelings toward the therapist are normal and expected. But this is material for your work together, not something to act on. If you do act on it in any way, talk about it. This will keep both you and your therapist safe. The therapeutic relationship is not a friendship.